Revisiting an old meme

[elettaria]

I was looking through old journal entries for something, and came across a rather amusing meme which I fancy taking again, originally borrowed from rymenhild. If you're going to follow it, list twelve characters and only then may you look at the questions.

1. Mr Collins (Austen, Pride and Prejudice)
2. Duncan (Atwood, The Edible Woman)
3. Fevvers (Carter, Nights at the Circus)
4. Billy Prior (Barker, the Regeneration trilogy)
5. The Wife of Bath (Chaucer, The Canterbury Tales)
6. Elizabeth Mapp (Benson, the Mapp and Lucia novels)
7. Granny Weatherwax (Pratchett, various)
8. Ned Henry (Willis, To Say Nothing of the Dog)
9. Drusilla Clack (Collins, The Moonstone)
10. Iago (Shakespeare, Othello)
11. Lord Henry Wotton (Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray)
12. Lucy Snowe (Bronte, Villette)

Which would make a better college professor, 6 or 11? What subjects would they teach?

Both would be the type everyone remembers, that's for sure. I'd put my money on Lord Henry, even if he'd likely be shagging half the male students. He'd be teaching the History of Art and would be lecturing with great style, a smidgen of plagiarism, while impeccably dressed, and calmly using examples that would shock half the tender undergrads. Elizabeth Mapp would terrorise her students while speaking nicely and is reminding me somewhat of what's-her-name, that nasty temporary headmistress in Harry Potter, though I think that's because they were both played by Prunella Scales (well, if the latter wasn't, it was someone similar-looking). Not sure about her subject, history perhaps?

Do you think 4 is hot? How hot?

Billy Prior has a certain sexiness, I'll give him that. But he's not my type, he's a bit on the young side for me, and he's kinda scary. Part of that adds to the sexiness, of course, but it frequently moves into nasty-scary.

12 sends 8 on a mission. What is it, and does it succeed?

Poor Ned Henry, he's always being sent on missions. Lucy Snowe would be a better boss than Lady Schrapnel, at least. She'd send him back in time to rescue a painting that had mysteriously vanished, and which would turn out to have peculiar cross-dressing lesbian content once the dirt had been scraped off it. He'd bumble about for a few hundred pages but get the painting in the end.

What is or would be 9's favorite book?

Oddly enough, my official answer for Miss Clack will be the same as it was for St John Rivers the first time I took this meme: the Bible, with the bits that she likes underlined in red. Spying For Beginners would be her hidden-under-the-mattress one, or possibly one of those self-help guides which tells you how to catch the dickhead Man of Your Dreams.

Would it make more sense for 2 to swear fealty to 6, or the other way around?

Considering Duncan's aimlessness and Miss Mapp's lifetime's devotion to being the top dog, there's no doubt who'd be in charge there. I don't think she'd succeed in controlling him all that well, however. He'd somehow slip through her fingers.

For some reason, 5 is looking for a roommate. Should 5 share a studio apartment with 9 or with 10?

The Wife of Bath is considering sharing a studio flat with either Miss Clack or Iago? Either option would be absolutely terrifying. My current instinct is to go for Miss Clack. They'd fight like you've never seen, but once the sex-starved Miss Clack saw how successful the Wife of Bath is with men, she'd become her disciple instead.

7, 2 and 12 have dinner together. Where do they go, and what do they discuss?

Duncan, Granny Weatherwax and Lucy Snowe. I think a picnic would be nice. They'd all bring slightly odd food and the discussion would be bizarre in the extreme. Granny Weatherwax would lecture Duncan on how he should get over his ironing fetish, while Lucy Snowe would point out the importance of things being ordered.

3 challenges 10 to a duel. What happens?

Fevvers would, at that. The cause would most likely be Iago manoeuvring to get into the favour of her man and use her as a sort of Female Object Whose Job Is To Be Accused of Infidelity And Get Killed in the process. Fevvers wouldn't stand for that for a second. He'd plan to cheat, do some Macchiavellian scheming of course, and have pals of his ready to murder her as soon as she turned to him with swords out. Unfortunately for him, Fevvers would promptly take flight, thus foiling his Evil Plan. I'm not sure whether she'd actually kill him once she was safely in the air, she's not terribly vindictive, but if she didn't, she'd certainly do something to teach him a lesson, probably involving magic realism.

If 1 stole 8's most precious possession, how would 8 get it back?

Mr Collins would attempt to steal Ned Henry's kitten, Penwiper. Ned would flex a couple of brain cells and get it back. I can't see Mr Collins succeeding in fooling anyone.

Suggest a title for a story in which 7 and 12 both attain what they most desire.

(Granny Weatherwax teamed up with Lucy Snowe again.) Solitude and How To Use It To Get Everyone To Do What You Want Them To.

What kind of plot device would you use if you wanted 4 and 1 to work together?

Time travel, for starters. Billy Prior and Mr Collins would loathe each other on sight and be extremely unlikely to come into contact with each other even if they were in the same century. Maybe Billy could be the sexy, rebellious working-class lad who would come to fix something in the garden and end up stealing away Charlotte Collins? Eep, this wasn't meant to turn into Lady Chatterley's Lover, nor am I trying to perpetuate class stereotypes.

If 7 visited you for the weekend, how would you get along?

Granny Weatherwax and I would be having Lively Discussions, to say the least. We'd probably fight like cat and dog over some stuff, but agree happily on others over a nice (if slightly unusual) cup of tea.

If you could command 3 to perform any one task or service for you, what would it be?

Teach me to fly.

Does anyone on your friends list write or draw 11?

I don't think so, but I used to have a friend who was very into Wilde and probably fantasised about Lord Henry at the very least.

If 2 had to choose sides between 4 and 5, which would it be?

Pitting Billy Prior against the Wife of Bath could have epic results. And poor Duncan really isn't an epic sort of guy. He'd go for whoever would leave him in peace, which might well depend on whether either of those two fancied him. Much as I find Billy scary, I think I'd rather be pursued by him than the Wife of Bath.

What might 10 shout while charging into battle?

Iago would have manipulated someone else into doing the fighting for him.

If you chose a song to represent 8, which song would you choose?

L'ho perduta, from Figaro: "I have lost it..." In the sense of losing an object, not his mind.

1, 6 and 12 are having dim sum at a Chinese restaurant. There is only one scallion pancake left, and they all reach for it at the same time. Who gets to eat it?

Not Mr Collins, poor sap that he is. I think Miss Mapp would win this one, preferably while making the other two feel guilty for even reaching for it. Lucy Snowe's fairly formidable, but she just doesn't have Mapp's level of skill.

What might be a good pick-up line for 2 to use on 10?

I absolutely cannot imagine Duncan trying to pick up Iago. However, Duncan does have one of the funniest pick-up lines in literature. His approach is to start doing his ironing in order to calm his nerves, and then to offer to iron the shirt currently being worn by the other person. In a diffident manner, mind you.

What would 5 most likely be arrested for?

The Wife of Bath? Bigamy.

What is 6's secret?

Practically everything. Miss Mapp couldn't boss the village about if people knew what she really got up to.

If 11 and 9 were racing to a destination, who would get there first?

Both Lord Henry and Drusilla Clack would be side-tracked by a beautiful young man wandering into view, but Lord Henry would recover his concentration first - and be the one to get the young man afterwards, too.

3 and 7 tell conflicting versions of events. Which is more reliable?

Fevvers is more likely to be winding you up for her own amusement. Granny Weatherwax might have a good reason to be lying. If both persisted in claiming that their version was right, the discussion would probably get so bizarre that you would wonder if you were hallucinating.

"1 [Mr Collins] and 9 [Miss Clack] reluctantly team up to save the world from the threat posed by 4's [Billy Prior] sinister secret organization. 11 [Lord Henry] volunteers to help them, but it is later discovered that 11 is actually a spy for 4. Meanwhile, 4 has kidnapped 12 [Lucy Snowe] in an attempt to force their surrender. Following the wise advice of 5 [the Wife of Bath], they seek out 3 [Fevvers], who gives them what they need to complete their quest." What title would you give this fic? Name three people on your friends list who might read it. Name one person who should write it.

101 Uses For A Holy Grail. Mr Collins would be acting in the interests of Christianity, naturally, especially if this were before Mr Collins' marriage. Lord Henry and Billy are naturals for their roles, most likely sleeping together, and it doesn't take much imagination to see why they'd be despised by the pamphlet-waving pair. Lucy Snowe would appear to be an obedient kidnap victim at first, but I'd put money on her subverting her kidnappers, or at least trying, since Prior is a tough nut to crack. Actually, those two might make a good couple. All men should quake at the possibility of the Wife of Bath in league with Fevvers, and all medievalists and magic realists should rejoice (after bracing themselves). eye_of_a_cat should write this, and angevin2, elfbystarlight and finnygan should read it, though they'd write it beautifully too.

Comments

[finnygan.livejournal.com]

This is such a brilliant meme - though I probably don't get half of it, because I haven't read all the books. (I definitely need to read The Moonstone as soon as possible. It sounds wonderfully entertaining.) And I would absolutely want to read a book called 101 Uses For A Holy Grail.

[elettaria.livejournal.com]

I think the real answer to that last one is always going to be "anyone who gets all the references." Fun meme, though, isn't it?

[bookloversdiary.livejournal.com]

Hello, you are listed as one of the mods for the community "episodical". I couldn't reach any of the others - any ideas as to when/if that community will come back anytime soon?